Some tips for Arranged marriage
Arranged marriage
There are times in a person's life when he needs to
take crucial decisions on his own. Marriage is one of
them. Believe me, the decision on whom to marry is the
most important decision a person will make in his
life. After marriage, your wife is the most important
person in your life. She can make or break your life.
The mere thought of this is very frightening.
Some of the questions that crop up are -
a.. What sort of a girl do I marry?
b.. Will she adjust in my family?
c.. How can I decide on a girl by just meeting her
for a few times?
d.. When should I get married?
e.. This is my life. So, I should choose the girl
I marry, but then what if I make a mistake?
.. so on and so forth.
I will try to address these & many more questions in
the following sections.
The Ten Rules of Arranged marriage
Rule 1 - Magic no. 28
In an ideal scenario, a girl goes to college at
the age of 18. By the time she graduates, goes for her
post graduation and/ or works for 1-2 years, she will
be about 23- 24. This means that she has spent about 5
years away from her home. In the 5 years period, she
would meet many smart guys at college or during her
first few years on job. So, in all probability it
would be difficult to find a good girl older than 24
yrs. Secondly, in Indian families there is lot of
pressure on the girl's to get married by the time they
become 24-25.
Statistics says that there is a generation gap
after every 5 years. So, in such scenario, one would
prefer to marry a girl who is about 3-4 years younger
to you. Thus, working backwards, an ideal age for a
guy to get married is by 28. Earlier the marriage,
the better it is.
Well, as we all know, in the current market
scenario, there will never be stability in our career.
So, I believe there is no such thing as, "I will marry
when I settle down".
Rule 2 -- Subset of marriage-able girls
At times you hear statements like, "I am not
getting the right match, I will look after 3 months, I
will find a better match then". Well the truth is
otherwise. The subset of unmarried girl looking for a
match is fixed. >From this subset, there would be girls
who would get married & there would be new girls added
who would be looking for a match. The net result is
that at any given time, the variety & number of
marriage-able girls are fixed.
Rule 3 - Competition for girls
Like all other facets of life, there is lot of
competition for good girls. In my own case, I was
rejected by girls. So, if you are looking for a girl
who is post graduate, done her Engg, is working, very
beautiful, smart, from a good family etc. etc, just
think again. There are other guys who are also looking
for similar girls & probably they are better off than
you in terms of career, looks personality etc. Given a
choice every guy would like to marry Aishwarya Rai.So,
set your expectations accordingly.
Rule 4 -- Understanding girls
You would have met a lot of people during your
life. As we all know, its difficult to judge a person
based on a few meetings. I am sure you would agree
with me that in case of girls it is even more
difficult to understand them in a few meetings. I
know people who are still trying to understand their
wife. ;-).. Understanding your spouse is a life long
assignment. So, then how do you select a girl based on
a few meeting? This is where you need to take the help
of your parents/ friends & latest technologies like
email/chat to choose your girl.
Rule 5 - Society expectation
The selection process is tough on every one who is
involved in the process. In arranged marriage,
involvement of family & society is pretty high. You
can't meet a girl 3-4 times & then say no to her. It
is bad for her future. So, you should have a good
short-listing criterion. Meet only a few girls & be
sure what you are looking for. It is for the benefit
of everyone involved.
Rule 6 -- Marriage between equals
Unlike love marriage, in arranged marriage you
also marry into the girl's family. In arranged marriages,
family support plays a major role in ensuring a
successful marriage. This is where the compatibility
of social status, family values & caste/religion plays
a major role. Its important to note that in case there
is a perfect match between the two families, the
marriage is destined to succeed.
Rule 7 - Know yourself
Unlike love marriage, in arranged marriage you
first marry a person & then fall in love. So, it's
very important that you do a self-assessment on the
kind of person you would love. They say, "Opposite
attract", while they also say, "Bird of same feather
flock together". So, you take a call on what sort of
person you like. Take a pen & paper; write down the
kind of attributes you are looking for in a girl. Say,
she should ideally have the looks of Sonia, the style
of Monica, the voice of Sheena, the patience of
Rashmi. You will certainly not find the perfect girl,
but then you would have a good idea of what you are
looking for. The secret here is to set some minimum
criteria for selection. Don't forget rule no.3 here.
Rule 8 -- Girl's Beauty
A girl's looks attract, but then no one wants to
end up marrying a dumb blonde. It is like buying your
bike. When you initially buy it, you are crazy about
the looks, but later on you love it for its
reliability, fuel economy & comfort level. Similarly,
a girl's looks are important, but then it should not
be the most important criteria. Later on it life, you
will get bored of her looks. It is then that her
personality & behavior will make all the difference to
your marriage. I am sure your parents will be able to
advice you a lot better on this topic.
Rule 9 -- Taking advice
As I have mentioned in the next rule, it's very
important that the final decision on whom to marry
must necessarily be yours. However, don't do the
mistake of isolating yourself from the world while
planning your marriage. Discuss with your parents &
very close friends on this issue. They are your well
wishers. Secondly, in such important matters its
necessary that you analyze all possibilities.
Remember, I am not suggesting that you follow others'
advice, but don't forget to take their advice.
Rule 10 -- Own decision
All said & done, it's your marriage & your life
that is at stake. Once you are married, you & your
wife are the only persons who will be facing the
music. Don't marry a girl just because your parents or
friends asked you to do so. After marriage, if things
don't work out & you end up saying, "It's because of
my friends or my parents that I married you", then
your marriage is destined for disaster. If the girl is
of your choice, it is you who will be responsible for
whatever happens. That's when the marriage works out
perfectly. So, ensure that you marriage the girl of
your choice.
How to approach the selection process?
>From the day, a person decides to get married;
the
selection process takes a minimum of 3 months. The
whole process needs a lot of patience & commitment.
The ideal steps to be followed are:
a.. Definition phase --
Define the minimum criteria for the kind of life
partner you are looking for in terms of education,
physical appearance, social status, family values,
future career plans. Remember the Rule 3 here.
b.. Lead Generation phase --
Place ads in various newspapers, magazines,
websites, through friends, family friends, family
societies & association etc. You need to exhaust all
possible means of getting biodatas at one go. Remember
the Rule 2 here.
c.. Short listing phase -
Based on your selection criteria, short-list the
interesting biodatas. The general process followed for
correspondence is as follows:
1.. The initiator sends a one page profile of himself/
herself.
2.. Based on the profile, the receiver sends his/her
one page profile along with request for detailed
profile, photo, horoscope.
3.. The initiator then sends the requested information
along with a request for similar information.
4.. The receiver send similar information.
5.. If the biodata is selected, it is passed over to
the next phase.
A.. Casual interaction phase -
Based on shortlisting, about 7 to 10 biodatas are
taken forwarded to this phase. The next step to follow
here is to exchange email/ chat ids. The guy & the
girl then interact for 10 - 15 days to try & judge
mutual compatibility through email/chat.
B.. Family interaction phase -
Based on the earlier phase, about 5 leads are
taken for consideration in this phase. During this
phase, the parents get involved & check the background
information about the families to find mutual
compatibility.
C.. The dating phase -
Based on the earlier phase about 3 leads are taken
forward to this phase. During this phase, the guy &
the girl interact by going out alone for 2-3 times.
The guy needs to prepare a set of simple questions
like who is your favorite star, what are your hobbies?
He needs to use his judgment to analyze the girl based
on her responses.
D.. The D-day phase -
Finally, the D-day comes when the guy has to
select the girl he wants to spend his life with. If
the process if followed systematically, there will be
no ambiguity in deciding who should be your life
partner.
Finally, my dear friends, marriage is all about
compromises. In spite of all the planning that you do,
there are a lot of uncertainties in a marriage. In
fact this is the best part about marriage. Just
remember that the person you marry must be of your
choice. In such case, there would be no going back for
both of you.
A few words of advice: To make your marriage a
success; just believe in the age-old virtue,
"Never do anything to others that you don't like for
yourself".
Enjoy the selection process, it is fun.. :-) !!!
author Anon
